you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
