my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
