Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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