I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
