I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
