DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
