im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
