blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
