Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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