Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
