there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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