Jerry, you need to find god
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
