oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize