Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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