Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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