I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
