theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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