Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
