My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
