he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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