god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
