You really coming over, don't trick.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
