hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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