I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
