If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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