Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
