OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
