I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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