I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
