careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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