my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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