I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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