All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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