plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
