i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
