Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
