she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
