why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
