my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
