I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
