Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
