It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
