I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
