Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
