I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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