What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
