i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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