Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
