I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
