hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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