My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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