Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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