Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
