How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
