i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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