Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
