Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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