8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
