Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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