cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
