i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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