i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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