Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize