I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
