Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
