In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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