pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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