Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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